Q. & A.
Real questions from real readers.

Send your etiquette and planning questions to KC Weddings, Ask the Editor, 1729 Grand Blvd., Kansas City, MO 64108 or editor@kcweddings.com.

Q. Here's the scenario: The groom's mother is wearing a strapless gown and cannot wear a corsage. She would like to wear the same as the mother of the bride. She has said it's either a wrist corsage or nothing; she will do whatever the bride's mom does. Does the mother of the bride need to acquiesce?
A. Flowers for any parent of the bride or groom are really just identifiers for guests who may not have met these important figures in the newlyweds' lives. Emily Post advises brides to incorporate the person's preferences and style when choosing flowers for such special people at the wedding. There's no hardand-fast rule that the two mothers' flowers have to be the same, or that either has to have them at all—it's really just a matter of whether they want to wear flowers to signify their relationship to the couple and if so, what they feel comfortable wearing.

That said, the groom's mother is certainly not doing her best to "do whatever the bride's mom does" if she has thrown down the gauntlet that it's a wrist corsage or nothing. The name of the game here should be cooperation; keeping the peace for the bride and groom to enjoy their day should be foremost in her mind, not what goes best with her strapless dress. And it should be at the forefront of the bride's mother's mind, too. She doesn't necessarily "need to acquiesce" per se, but perhaps the bride's mother will be gracious enough to do so if it is important to the bride for both mothers to be identified by flowers and that the style of the flowers they wear match.

Q. How many ushers are needed for 450 wedding guests? Is there a formula to go by?
A. The general rule of thumb is to have one usher for every 50 guests—in your case, that'd mean nine ushers. That's not a firm rule, though, and if that's not possible, groomsmen can double as ushers. And remember: It's advisable to have at least one designated usher remain at the back of the ceremony site to deal with those who arrive late or any other surprises.

Q. My sister-in-law is getting married in the fall. She wants to include all of her nieces and nephews in the ceremony. There are five boys ages 11, 9, 6, 5 and 4 as well as two girls ages 9 and 8. We're both stumped on how we can assign each child a role. Any suggestions?
A. The girls are a bit easier. At ages 9 and 8, they're on the older side for flower girls and the younger side for junior bridesmaids. They'd probably love either role. They're certainly old enough to behave at the ceremony (as cute as the 2-year-olds look in that little white dress, they often steal the show when they sit down, start to cry or wander off while the nuptials proceed) as well as really relish and appreciate their duties. It might boil down to whether your need to have a different role for each girl, or whether giving them separate duties being so close in age might cause jealousy and conflict.

The boys are a little trickier because, well, there are just so many of them. The 6-, 5- and 4-year-olds could be ring bearers—if your sister-in-law wanted to have that many of them. (There's typically not more than one at a wedding, but you could get away with more if you wanted—one for each ring and a third to supervise.) The 11- and 9-year-old boys could be junior ushers, as could the 6-year-old if he's not a ring bearer. They could also be groomsmen, though they'd be symbolic only—unless they are extremely mature. I don't think you want a 9-year-old as your marriage witness or in charge of paying an unexpected vendor fee on the spot.

Your sister-in-law should also bear in mind that the more little people in the ceremony with her, the more potential for detracting from it. It might be best to give one or more of them an honor role, such as handing out programs, distributing bubbles to blow upon the couple's church exit, or encouraging folks to sign the guest book. That allows several children to participate without too much of a crowd up on the altar.

Q. I have just gotten engaged. I want to place an announcement in our local papers, but here is the question: I have been married before, and my fiance has not. At the top of the announcement is usually the bride's maiden name, then a dash and the groom's last name. I have kept my married name because I have two children. How do I put this in the paper? When I refer to myself I always say Mary Smith Jones. (Smith is the maiden name.) Would the heading be Smith Jones or what? I hate my old married name, and the only reason I kept it was for the children. What is proper to do?
A. Since you have kept your married name, use that in your newspaper engagement announcement. You'd only use your just maiden name if you'd gone back to using it alone following your first marriage. And I'd use your name just as you do now—maiden and married name together—so that people who see the announcement can tell it's you who's getting married. Otherwise, the purpose of the announcement is defeated. So you are correct; the headline would be "Smith Jones-[groom's last name]."

Q. My fiance and I were planning a very large wedding and ordered invitations, but we have since decided to have a small ceremony in my hometown with just our immediate family. I would still like to use my invitations and still would like to have a bridal shower, but don't really know if that is something I should do. I didn't know if I could put an insert in with my invitation stating the change and ask for their blessing.
A. It sounds like your invitations have not yet been mailed, which is good news. You could probably get away with using the ones you have by enclosing a printed card that states what the changes are, presuming that a) there is time to get one printed and b) that the changes are relatively few, like just the location or date and time. (This is what is recommended in Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette when the wedding date is changed.) Otherwise, because the new ceremony is small, it might not be too expensive to have a second, potentially less elaborate set printed. If that's cost-prohibitive, you can call your guests since again, the guest list is small.

And you can certainly still have a bridal shower, though bear in mind that your guest list for it will be significantly smaller—anyone invited to a shower should also be invited to the wedding. (The exception to this is a shower thrown for you by co-workers to wish you well, where there's no expectation that each shower guest will also be a wedding guest.)

Q. It is usual to wear a wedding band first on the finger then the engagement ring—is it also OK to wear the rings the other way? Engagement ring first, then the wedding band?
A. The wedding band should be put on your ring finger first—closest to your heart—then the engagement ring, which will be closest to your fingertip. I'd consider this more of a tradition than a rule because it's unlikely to cause an uproar or offend someone, so wearing them the other way around just depends on your comfort with bucking tradition.

Q. My stepson is getting married next year. Unfortunately we know nothing about the bride or her family, and they just live down the street. What is the appropriate attire for the stepmom to wear? Also I have read that the father, stepmother and proceeding side of the family take second row to the mother, her new husband, and her family.
A. It's true that the father, stepmother, and the father's family sit in the second pew behind the groom's mother, her husband and her family, all on the right side of the aisle. Stepmothers dress like mothers of the couple, but what you wear depends on the time of day the wedding is being held and the wedding's formality. For an evening wedding, you should wear a long evening or dinner dress if the wedding is formal; a long or street-length dress for a semiformal wedding and a dress that's the same length as the bride's for an informal evening wedding. For a daytime wedding, you can wear a long or short dress for a formal wedding, a long or street-length dress for a semiformal wedding, and a short afternoon or cocktail dress for an informal wedding.

And it sounds like now might be the perfect time to walk down the street and get to know your neighbors.

Q. What is the difference between a pre-engagement and an engagement ring? They usually look similar. Where should it be worn on her hand?
A. Sometimes called a "promise ring" (the idea being you are promising yourselves to each other as formally as possible without an engagement), a pre-engagement ring is often very similar in style to an engagement ring and is given in lieu of or as a prelude to the actual engagement ring. It can be worn on any finger of either hand, but bear in mind that anything on the left-hand ring finger is viewed as an engagement ring by most.

Q. I am the matron of honor in my friend's wedding. The bride's parents and I live in the same city as the wedding, but the bride does not. There is only one other attendant (whom I have never met), so I am throwing the bride a "personal" shower/spa day. Seeing as the bride lives out of town and I had to plan this around her very busy agenda, I scheduled it on the day before her bridal shower. My thought was that since most of her closest friends live elsewhere, she would get the best turnout if I scheduled it then. I have limited it to the best friends and a few family members—only those who would have been invited no matter when the event occurred. When I showed the mother of the bride the invitations I had printed, she was upset that I had "personal shower" on them because of the shower the day after. I explained that my guests would have been invited no matter when I had the shower and that I was trying to make it more convenient and get a better attendance by doing it on that date. Now I am starting to second-guess myself. Have I made a horrible faux pas? Help!
A. It's not the worst faux pas, but it's less than ideal. And it's not the timing of your party—it has become perfectly acceptable with long-distance brides to plan multiple events, her schedule permitting, around when she will be in town, reducing travel costs for her and other out-of-town guests who'd like to attend wedding events but can't incur travel costs multiple times. It sounds like it's more the wording on the invitation that rankled the bride's mother. Since the invitations are out, all you can do is apologize again to the mother of the bride and keep trying to make her understand that you meant no exclusivity by the word "personal," nor did you mean to steal the thunder from the other shower; rather, you were just trying to do something nice for the bride when she and other guests were in town to enjoy it. Next time consider the wording very carefully—calling it a girls' day at the spa or even asking people to "come celebrate" at a casual backyard barbecue would be better because it lumps your party in with the other celebrations for the bride, rather than making it a shower with the potential to pre-empt any other.

Correction
In the Fall/Winter 2005 issue of KC Weddings, a mistake was made on page 52. In "Modern Love," the story of Angela Robless-De Jong and Scott De Jong's wedding featured in our Real Weddings department, it was erroneously stated that Angela's nephew has multiple sclerosis. In fact, he has muscular dystrophy. KC Weddings regrets the error.