ask elyse

A:

First, the good news (or maybe not, depending on the state of your pocketbook at the moment!) Almost anyone except the bride or groom's immediate family members can host a shower for the bride-friends, friends of parents, co–workers or colleagues, even those not invited to the wedding but wanting to celebrate with the bride or couple. As a cousin, you're not an immediate family member, so you're fine to host a shower. Now, the (sort–of) bad news: I haven't ever heard of a shower being thrown after the wedding.

A celebratory party like your aunt is hosting, yes; a shower, no. Why? Probably because after the wedding the couple has already been heavily gifted, and guests can begin to feel snarky about continuing the financial well-wishing. So, perhaps the answer is to have a smaller, more intimate party of your own (sometimes called an appreciation party) to celebrate with the bride and groom–something like a shower but without actually calling it that. That way, too, everyone knows that gifts are not required. Of course, the bride probably wouldn't throw them out if guests did bring gifts, but this way no one will feel obligated.

You could throw them a backyard barbecue and invite friends you know the couple would like to have celebrated with but were unable to have at their destination wedding (in addition to the bridal party and the couple's immediate family, who are always invited to wedding celebrations, no matter what).

As for how to word the invitation, handwriting something like this might be appropriate (unless you want the party to be more formal): “You are invited to a reception in honor of Mary and John,” with the date, time, place and an RSVP number or email address.

A:

“Maps are generally printed on card stock, but it's not a hard and fast rule,” says Jeff Majetich, owner of Cards ‘n’ More stationers. It depends on the formality of the invitation, too–the more formal the invitation, the more likely it is that the map is going to be on a matching card stock. But because maps are sometimes provided by the ceremony or reception sites or, more often, made by brides themselves, they do not need to be printed on card stock and can be included on photocopy paper. Putting them on card stock is a nice touch and perfectly acceptable should you wish to do that, but photocopy paper is fine, too. A new trend, too, is to include a Web link to a site with detailed maps and directions, which guests can then download and print off, themselves.

A:

Most wedding invitations have the return address on the back on the envelope's flap, according to Cards ‘n’ More’s Majetich. (That said, according to Emily Post's Weddings, the post office prefers that the return address be in the upper left–hand corner on the front of the envelope.) Either place you choose to put it is fine–there's not an incorrect choice, but putting it on the back would be in keeping with common practice.

A:

It's completely appropriate to invite a small number of guests to an intimate ceremony and then to have a larger number to the reception. What's not OK, however, is inviting guests to just part of the reception. I can't find any source saying it's appropriate to do so, and my instinct agrees, anyway. I'm afraid that if you are having guests to the reception, you will need to have them to the entire thing, dinner included–otherwise these guests will enter after dinner has been served and know that they are on a B–list of sorts, which you don't want and which would be insulting to them.

Another option you might consider may be to forgo the dinner completely, for everyone–depending on the time of day the reception is being held, you could do a buffet of heavy hors d'oeuvres instead, or do passed appetizers, or perhaps just host an all–dessert party. Any of these choices can be equally as elegant as an old-school sit–down dinner, while costing you much less than serving a full meal.

A:

Your husband's being in the wedding complicates things a bit, but generally, you'll need to follow your stepson's lead and ask him specifically what he wants you to do, where he hasn't given you an indication. You should ask him if he'd like you to sit with your husband's family at the ceremony. (Typically, when the groom's parents are divorced, his mother and her family take the first pew on the right side of the aisle; his father and family sit in the next pew, behind the groom's mother's family.) If he doesn't have you sit with your husband's family, or if your relationship with your husband's first wife is less than amicable, then sitting farther back in the church (preferably with a friend) is also appropriate, as long as you don't mind taking a literal back seat on the day. It sounds as if you can take your clue from his sister's wedding, but be sure to check with the bride and groom here first–they may have other ceremony seating arrangements in mind. They may, also, not have considered this issue at all yet (sometimes you would be amazed at what slips through the mental cracks when a couple is planning their day from start to finish!) and so you should feel very comfortable asking the question.

As for transportation to the church and reception, you should probably plan to get yourself there, because generally only the bridal party and the bride's parents have transportation arranged for them. Here, you and your husband can plan together: does he want you to bring the car and handle parking so that, after the reception, you two can easily get back home together? Will he have a car there already, which would mean that you would hitch a ride with a friend?

And there's no need to request seating at the reception, even though your husband will be at the head table. Sometimes spouses are included there, too, but again that's up to the bride and groom, who typically do the reception seating arrangements beforehand.

As for what else to do in the wedding, I'm afraid you'll have to ask your stepson that directly, too. It doesn't sound as if you and your husband are hosting the actual day, so there's probably no need to greet every person there. Just being a cordial guest and making sure that you're available to help with what's needed would be your best bet.

Finally, no matter what your official role turns out to be, stepmothers dress like the other mothers of the couple, so for a 5 p.m. wedding, you should wear a long evening or dinner dress if the wedding is formal, a long or street–length dress for a semiformal wedding or a dress that's the same length as the bride's for an informal evening wedding.

A:

Whew! These are a lot of bases to cover, but together we can get through it. I suspect that the main issue here is a lack of typical "For their daughter" wording, assuming that you're hosting the thing yourself and that neither of you are just now being launched from your father's home.

As a mature couple, you may wish to send out the invitations in your own name and omit social titles. For example:

Mary Smith
and
John Doe
invite you to share with them
in the joy of their marriage
Saturday, July 9
two thousand five
at half after three o'clock
Midwest Catering and Banquet Hall

If the reception takes place at the same site as the ceremony, you could add "A reception on the grounds will follow the ceremony" as the last line to the above.

A:

This can be a tricky situation, often depending on how well your original and blended parents get along. Generally, whoever is paying for the wedding (or the bulk of the expenses) is hosting it, yes. There's no need to explicitly list a host, though. In a situation where one set of parents is hosting and the other is not contributing to the financial burden, and the bride still wants both sets of parents' names on the invitation, the host's name appears first. In this case, because your two sets of parents appear to be co–hosting the event, just not in equal amounts, it seems like a good idea to follow this convention, listing your father and stepmother first, so it's clear they are the main hosts, so to speak, while listing your mother and stepfather second.

A:

Actually, the traditional breakdown of who pays for what, according to Emily Post's Weddings, has the groom paying for the bride's bouquet. (I know, it really seems like they get off easy, doesn't it?) If there is no rehearsal dinner and the groom's family has offered to contribute to the expenses anyway, you could suggest they contribute more toward the flowers or photography. Just be sure that the groom's family has offered to contribute before dividing up expenses–though many rules have relaxed, the one that remains constant is that it is always improper to ask the groom's family to share expenses if they haven't offered to do so.

A:

Bridesmaids and groomsmen are responsible for their own transportation to and from the city where the wedding takes place. Tradition dictates that brides and grooms are responsible for their attendants' accommodations, but in reality, most bridesmaids and groomsmen incur that cost as well. If you are in a financial position to pick up the tab for your attendants' hotel rooms, it's a nice gesture to do so, but it's not mandatory these days.

A:

The boutonniere is worn by the groom and his attendants on the left lapel. And, no female wears a boutonniere, ever. She would sport a corsage, instead.

A:

When the bridesmaids' dresses are tea–length, such as in a semiformal wedding, generally the mothers wear long or street–length dresses, but attire is also governed by the time of day: Long dresses and skirts are fine for any wedding starting after noon. For a morning wedding, mothers should stick to street–length dresses, which means at or below the knee. No mini minis, please.

A:

There is no one proper gift to give, but because it sounds as if your father and his new wife don't need the traditional wedding gifts meant to help them start setting up a household, think outside the gift box. Appropriate gifts for those who have been married before–and ones that might have more meaning for your father starting his new life–include a gift certificate or caterer for a special meal, a celebratory bottle of wine or champagne, or a plant or tree for the couple's garden.

A:

What I hear you asking (by not asking) is "How do I invite some of my co–workers without offending the others?" The answer: Contrary to what your first–grade teacher told you, there's nothing wrong with not including everybody. The best thing to do, budget or no budget, is to invite those to whom you feel a personal connection. Don't put yourself in the position of sweating out the RSVPs, praying that not everybody comes. Those who don't have a personal connection to you might well be uncomfortable receiving an invitation and feel obliged to give a gift. (Think of it as doing them a favor!)

A:

Although it provides a pat answer, the formula that says a gift should cost at least as much as the bride and groom are spending on each person at the reception is a myth, according to Peggy Post, granddaughter of Emily Post and author of Emily Post's Weddings, Fourth Edition. Whatever the gift you choose to give, its cost should be based on your affection for the individuals marrying, your connection to them and your friendship and history with them. Never spend more than what you can afford; however, that doesn't give you permission to be stingy. Give what you can afford and what you think is appropriate, along with your love and best wishes for the couple.

A:

It might seem as though a couple who have lived together for a year or two should foot the bill for a wedding themselves. However, the matter of who pays for the wedding is really one that needs to be settled between the bride and her parents.

Some might assume that because a couple have already started their lives together, they should foot the bill for the occasion on their own. But consider the likelihood of a young couple just starting out being able to afford the entire event. The best course of action in any wedding–planning situation is for the bride and groom to sit down with both sets of parents and have an honest discussion about who will pay for what–and how much.

The bride and groom need to start out with a good relationship with their parents. Money, of course, can be a controversial subject. And, of course, it's always best to communicate before assuming anything.

A:

According to most etiquette guides–and common sense–thank–you notes should be sent immediately. Ideally, the note should be written and sent the day the gift is received. And there's no excuse for not having all thank you notes written by three months after the wedding–at the latest.

The photos are a nice touch, but sometimes the wait for them is two or more months. That's too long between the giving of a gift and a thank you. The couple might want to consider sending the photos at a later date, maybe Christmas.

A:

First, take a deep breath. Now stop and think. It's really unfair to compare your showers and weddings. It's also in poor taste to keep track (even mentally) of how much money is being spent. If you two are friends, the material reciprocation shouldn't be important, so you can't compare what you did when it was her turn, to what she is or isn't doing now that you're up.

That said: If you feel that she would do something to harm you, embarrass you or otherwise diminish the joy of your day, you must speak with her immediately. Though you haven't told me specifically why you're scared to do so, or what she's done to offend you, besides the fact she's not spending as much money as you think she should, I'm assuming that she has taken some action which you find hurtful.

Start by telling her how you feel, and give her specific examples of how and when she has hurt you. Keep in mind that if you really feel worried, you might need to find a new matron or maid of honor. Therefore, you truly have nothing to lose by being honest and upfront–and she may be totally unaware of your feelings, so you owe it to your friendship to give her a chance to make it up to you.

A:

There are actually a couple of answers here, depending on your circumstances. I'll try to hit them all (If not, just drop me another note).

First: I'm assuming that you still use your ex-husband's last name. The official and "proper" way to appear, in that case is this: Mrs. YOUR FIRST NAME last name. If you are married, you should be officially referred to as (for example), Mrs. John Doe. But once divorced, you become Mrs. Jane Doe. BUT. Because not everyone is as rule-savvy as we are, sometimes we can "cheat" and do Ms. Jane Doe. Because you are not appending a "Mrs." to it, this should be clear.

The one thing you would definitely NOT do is Mrs. Jane Smith Doe, unless you used "Smith Doe" when you were married. Essentially, it's the use of your first name with the title Mrs. that shows your status.

Whew! That was probably a longer answer than you were looking for, wasn't it? I think, for simplicity's sake, in this case I would use: Ms. Jane Doe. It might not be old-school, but it's definitely clear.

Have a great wedding day!

Best regards,

Kate

A:

Dear Jenn,

Thank you so much for your question, and congratulations to you! In answering your question, I'm going to assume that what you mean is that you are planning to invite one group of friends to the actual wedding ceremony itself, and then a separate group (but also including the first group) to the reception after the ceremony.

If this is the case, it is a perfectly acceptable option for you. What you need to do is create two separate invitations: one to the smaller group, inviting them to both parts of the day; and a second one to the larger group. This invitation should specify what they're invited to. A commonly used wording for this is: "...invite you to celebrate the union of YOU and HIM by attending an afternoon/evening/whatever reception buffet/dinner/whatever on THIS DATE at THIS TIME. 

In essence, you must make sure that guests realize they are only being invited to one portion of the event. But I think that, especially in these times, it is perfectly acceptable to have a small ceremony and a larger reception following. What is not acceptable, no matter what, would be inviting guests only to a portion of the reception--say, the dancing after the dinner. This would be terribly rude to the "B" tier guests, who would immediately discern that they were less important to the wedding party than the other attendees.

It's all or nothing, as far as receptions go, I'm afraid!

Best of luck and hope this is helpful.

Sincerely,

Kate Ancell

editor, kcweddings.com

A:

Ah, the Peace Within the Family thing. It's strange, considering how joy-filled weddings are supposed to be, how fraught their planning can often become! It seems to me that you are faced with the dilemma of having your day your way, and satisfying your family, too.

This is not an easy place to be. There are several things you can do, however, to solve your problem. First, consider just how important this issue is to you. Is it worth going to the mat for? For the record, a buffet dinner is considered to be slightly less formal than a sit-down plated meal, but it is also a more modern option, and can be beautifully elegant and well-presented. It seems to me like perhaps your father is eager to do "what's right" by you on your day, which is certainly lovely and sweet -- so if you can explain to him that the editor of KC Weddings says that a buffet is a great choice, and he's happy to accept that, then maybe you'll get your first choice.

However: if, in fact, your parents are paying for this wedding, and this is an issue that they are willing to go to the mat for, my advice would be this: Accept that it's important to them for whatever reason (maybe they're concerned about social standing, maybe they want to "pay back" friends who've hosted them at weddings, or maybe they've just had a picture of how it would be, the day their little girl walked up the aisle.) If that's the case, and for nothing else than your own peace, I say: give them this one. But you get to pick the main course.

Hope that this is helpful, best of luck to you, and congratulations on the engagement!

Sincerely,

Kate

editor, kcweddings.com

A:

Generally, it's best to follow your stepson's lead when it comes to your role in the wedding, and ask him specifically what he wants you to do where he hasn't give you an indication. Specifically regarding the hosting credit given for the reception, you need to decide whether having your name added to the website is worth rocking the boat and having (or enlisting your husband to have) what could be an uncomfortable conversation with your stepson.

If you are contributing to the rehearsal dinner--whether financially, through preparation efforts or hosting it in your home--it is acceptable, and generally commonplace, to list the name of a stepparent. Perhaps the bride-to-be was simply unsure of how to correctly include you on the site and defaulted to listing only the birth parents. Your stepson may not even be aware of the oversight; you would be amazed at what can slip through the mental cracks when a couple is planning their day from start to finish! It's always best to open up the lines of communication when it comes to your involvement in the event. Then, with your marching orders in tow, you’ll be able to (comfortably) roll with the punches.  

A:

Let's jump right in! It's tricky business when you plan to allow some children to attend the event, but not all. My best advice would be to launch a proactive campaign to get the word out that your wedding will be a (mostly) adult affair. Discuss the situation with friends and relatives, and for those who may be the most upset with your decision, enclose a note in their invitations explaining that cost, space, formality or setting simply prevent you from having an abundance of little ones in attendance. According to Emily Post, one should never print "No Children" or "Adults Only" on an invitation. The way an invitation is addressed indicates exactly who—and by omission who is not—invited to the wedding. 

Choosing someone to walk you down the aisle is an extremely personal decision, and one that no single rule does (or should, for that matter) dictate. You need to do what is best and what feels right to you. If the possibility of having your father involved in that way is important to you, talk to your brother and explain the situation—I'm certain he will understand. If you have a closer relationship with your brother and feel more strongly about him participating, simply explain to your father that since his plans aren't certain, you've asked your brother to step in.   

A:

Hi Sara, 

Great idea on the photobooth—they always seem to be big hits! I'd suggest putting each table's note into a cute frame that works well with your tablesettings' aesthetic. Frames are great (and inexpensive!) design additions and your guests will be sure to take notice. As far as the exact verbage, my advice is to keep it simple. "Don't forget to say cheese for the photobooth! Keep one strip of snaps for yourself and leave the other for our scrapbook!"

A:

Absolutely! At the end of the day, a wedding should cater to the couple—whether that means a mega-wattage affair, destination I Dos or a quaint, personal ceremony at the courthouse. Do what feels right and what you and your fiance will cherish most. Afterwards, get everyone together for a party to help you celebrate!